Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

Lily and Finn. Finn and Lily. The sweetest of names, the cutest faces, a most uplifting week. Upon arriving in Charlottesville to meet my brand new nephew, my heart was filled with joy. Not only did I get to see my niece and nephew, but also all of my siblings. In one location. Truly a rare event. We laughed so hard that it hurt, shared our lives and made the days go by all too quickly. While the fun we had together reminded me of growing up together, it also made clear to me that we are no longer the carefree children that we were. Talking about kids, marriage, jobs and majors was never a part of the bedtime conversation on Friday nights after watching TGIF, sleeping on our pallets on the living room floor. So, being with my siblings was a realization that we all have truly taken steps into our futures. The little kids are adults and now Lily and Finn are the little kids.

Watching Court with her kids is a bit surreal. It's sometimes hard to believe that she is old enough to have children, but she is so natural with them that it also seems that she has been doing it forever. Which, I guess, in a sense is true. The oldest of a large family always becomes the stand-in mom. So, her years of practice have paid off. The questions of "Why?" or "What you say, Momma?" always get an answer. The opportunities for hugs and kisses are never missed. Lessons are always taught firmly, but with a gentle hand and voice. She makes it look easy, which is perhaps why leaving Virginia was so difficult.

Beginning to feel my own baby move in my belly has awakened a sense of urgency. I need to learn all I can. I need to figure out how to be a mom. I need to be living in a community where my child will thrive. I need to have a support team for my family. Being with Court made me consider that not only can I be a good mom, but I have also been training for this for most of my life. A feeling of comfort and ease began to settle over me as my almost week in Charlottesville came to a close. But, as my flight left, I looked out of the window and felt a sense of loss. We had been living life together and now we had to return to our lives on opposite sides of the Mississippi. It makes me hope that someday we can all step back into the world where we were all just a shout away and finding each other was never much further than a run down the hall.


  1. i read that entire post with tears in my eyes. oh how sweet our time was and oh how desperately we miss you. please do move to this side of the mississippi... i promise free babysitting anytime you want it!!! :)

  2. i LOVE your pics ash! and i'll babysit too :)